Knock It Off Mallory
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory really needs to learn how to get along with her neighbors.


**I think Mallory once again stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just something else that came through my tiny mind. Another instance of Mallory being Mallory. I say…**

 **Knock It Off Mallory **

"I swear to God I don't know why I bother going into work," Mallory sighed as she left her house and walked to her car. "I must be a glutton for punishment watching new and interesting forms of idiocy."

"Ms. Archer! Ms. Archer!"

"Speaking of idiocy…" Mallory grumbled under her breath as an older woman with light brown dyed hair wearing a conservative cream outfit strode up to her.

"Ms. Archer!" The woman snapped with an air of self-imposed authority.

"Mrs. Kensington," Mallory raised an eyebrow. "What a surprise. That you've bothered to get up before noon. I take it that you're here to complain about some petty little grievance."

"I'd hardly call vandalizing my property a petty little grievance!" Mrs. Kensington bristled.

"In the first place I am **not** the one who cut down your tree," Mallory sniffed. "And I dare you to prove it. Besides, that thing was an eyesore anyway."

"That tree was nearly a hundred years old!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "It has been a fixture of this neighborhood since the beginning. It has survived fires, floods, earthquakes, a caterpillar infestation and a few rambunctious teenagers on Halloween! But it couldn't survive a **year** next to **you**!"

"Well if this is about Pam crapping on your precious petunias I told you that I have no control over that person," Mallory sighed. "There are days I doubt she even **is** a person. Sometimes I think she's just a strategically shaved gorilla that escaped Krieger's lab. And there's a huge cover up over it."

"This is about my antique door knocker," Mrs. Kensington glared at her. "Which was stolen last night. Right from my own door!"

"Is that **it?** " Mallory asked annoyed. "Because if you don't mind, I need to get to work. To supervise my gaggle of goof-offs who don't do anything **but** goof off."

"I know you took it!" Mrs. Kensington snapped.

"Why the hell would I steal a tacky brass doorknocker?" Mallory sniffed. "That had some kind of dog on it?"

"It's a fox," Mrs. Kensington snapped. "An antique that was very expensive and shipped all the way from England."

"Well whoop de freaking do," Mallory glared at her. "Again, why would I steal something so tacky?"

"Because you were jealous!"

"Jealous that you go through life without any sense of good taste at all?" Mallory looked at her surprised. "You need to get your head examined. After you get your hair done."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"Nothing," Mallory shrugged. "If you plan on having endangered birds nest in it."

"I know you stole my knocker!" Mrs. Kensington shouted.

"If I were my son or one of my idiot employees," Mallory rolled her eyes. "I would make a joke about phrasing. But since I'm **not** I'm going to ask you a very simple question. Did you **see** me take your door knocker?"

"Well no…" Mrs. Kensington sniffed.

"Did **anyone else** see me take your door knocker?" Mallory asked.

"No…I…"

"Is there any video recording from a camera or a home security system **proving** that I took your door knocker?" Mallory snapped.

"I don't have one of those things," Mrs. Kensington said.

"Well then maybe you should **get one!"** Mallory snapped. "Instead of accusing me of everything when you have **no proof**!"

"I will!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "In fact, I'll call **right now!"**

"GOOD!" Mallory shouted. "Maybe while you're at it you should call a decorator? Since you clearly have no taste of your own!"

"Well maybe **in New York** your tastes may be acceptable," Mrs. Kensington bristled. "But here in this neighborhood they aren't!"

"At least I have taste!" Mallory snapped.

"But no manners whatsoever!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "Ever since you moved next door it's been one incident after another!"

"Half of which you probably imagined in your feeble little brain," Mallory snarled.

"I didn't imagine a tree on my property that suddenly disappeared!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "And I certainly didn't imagine the suspiciously huge amount of firewood you had acquired that very same week!"

"Coincidence," Mallory didn't even blink. "It's amazing what you can order online nowadays."

"I **knew** something like this would happen!" Mrs. Kensington snapped. "I **knew** you would steal my door knocker!"

"I didn't take your damn door knob you twit!" Mallory snapped.

"Door **knocker!** " Mrs. Kensington shouted.

"Whatever!" Mallory snapped. "Now if you will excuse me, some of us are actually productive citizens with **real jobs** to do. And aren't mere housewives leeching off their husband's hard-earned pay!"

"You are the most horrible woman I have ever met!" Mrs. Kensington gasped.

"Whereas you…" Mallory paused. "Are not even barely memorable. Seriously I have met sponges that were sharper. Although I must admit you do tend to retain water just as well."

Mrs. Kensington gasped. Mallory pressed on. "Now get out of my driveway before I use you as a speed bump!"

"I'm going to bring this up at the next Homeowner's Association meeting!" Mrs. Kensington shouted as she left. "You'll be written up for this!"

"I'm quaking in my designer shoes," Mallory said sarcastically before she got into her car.

Mrs. Kensington moved faster as Mallory revved up the engine. Mrs. Kensington barely got out of the driveway as Mallory drove past, flipping her the bird. "Bitch!" Mallory snarled. "That's probably the most exercise that woman has had past her jawline in thirty years!"

After a while Mallory walked into the office. To find the majority of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen playing Jenga. "Jenga! Jenga! Jenga!" Krieger chanted as he pulled out a block.

Which destroyed the tower. "Damn it!" Krieger snapped.

"Ha! Ha!" Cheryl giggled as she pointed to some filled shot glasses. "You have to take a shot!"

"Okay," Krieger did so.

"Oh yes…" Mallory grimaced as she walked in. "This was so worth waiting almost an **hour** in traffic! Just to see my people making a brighter tomorrow!"

"Well you should live closer like the rest of us," Cheryl quipped.

"And be further exposed to your idiocy?" Mallory snapped. "No thank you! Why aren't you people working?"

"Because there is no work," Cyril sighed. "It was either this or Monopoly. And considering this group tends to have knife fights during Monopoly…"

"That doesn't happen **all** the time, Fig Nut-ton," Pam looked at him. "Sometimes it's just a regular fight period."

"Just put your toys away and do something productive!" Mallory shouted. " **Anything** productive!"

"Does taking an extra long dump count?" Pam asked. "Just asking."

"One more thing," Mallory took out a brass door knocker with a fox face on it. "Krieger put this on my office door."

"Which side?" Krieger asked as he took it.

"Which side do you **think**?" Mallory snapped. "On the **outside!** That way if you idiots want to disturb me I don't have to hear your dirty knuckles scraping against my door!"

"Where did you get it?" Lana asked.

"I acquired it," Mallory asked. "From Mrs. Kensington."

"Your next door neighbor?" Lana asked. "Who wouldn't even give you a cold?"

"You stole it didn't you?" Ray gave her a look.

"I had a very good reason to!" Mallory snapped.

"Of course you did," Cyril groaned.

"I can't wait to hear **this one** ," Pam quipped.

"Mallory…" Lana sighed. "Why did you take Mrs. Kensington's door knocker?"

"Because that snotty little cow always complains that I steal and destroy her things!" Mallory snapped.

"Like the tree you had me and Pam chop down?" Krieger asked. "That was on her property?"

"And you made us do it in the middle of the night," Pam added. "So no one would see us?"

"And I had to use a laser so that it would be quick and no one would hear a chainsaw?" Krieger added.

"And chopped up her tree using that same laser so you'd have some firewood," Pam added.

"Yes!" Mallory snapped. "Well I heard that bitch implied that I would steal her stupid door knocker. Even though it's mildly tacky. So to teach her a lesson I stole it anyway."

"Let me see if I get this straight," Lana groaned. "You stole your neighbor's door knocker out of spite for knowing that if it was stolen she'd blame **you?** "

"Exactly," Mallory nodded.

"But you **did** steal it," Krieger blinked.

"That's not the **point** Krieger!" Mallory snapped. "The point is that I needed to teach her a lesson about making assumptions about me!"

"But those assumptions are **true** ," Lana said.

"That's not the **point!"** Mallory snapped. "I stole it to teach her a lesson!"

"About not having a door knocker?" Pam asked.

"About making assumptions about me!" Mallory snapped.

Ray looked at her. "How is she supposed to learn her lesson when she doesn't even know what it **is**?"

"I don't even know what the lesson is," Cheryl added. "And I just heard it like two seconds ago."

"That's because you have the attention span of a gnat stuck in glue!" Mallory snapped.

"Well she could always come to the agency and see the door knocker right on front of Ms. Archer's door," Pam suggested.

"That's ridiculous," Mallory scoffed. "That biddy wouldn't even dream of coming…Pam put that damn phone down!"

"What?" Pam blinked as she held her phone.

Cyril sighed. "I'm going to take a wild guess that you're going to take a picture of the door knocker and send it to Mrs. Kensington? Or post it on your blog?"

"That's **still** going on?" Mallory shouted.

"Not as frequently as it was a few months ago," Ray told her. "But yes."

"Never mind!" Mallory snatched back the door knocker. "I should have known this agency can't keep a secret! Three sure ways of communication! Telephone! Television! Tell Pam!"

"I am pretty efficient at getting the word out," Pam nodded.

"As well as passing garbage through your digestive system!" Mallory snapped. "I'll find somewhere else to put it. As in up certain backsides if people don't get to work!" She stormed out.

"And she wonders why she doesn't have that many friends," Pam quipped.

"I can't believe Mallory stole Mrs. Kensington's door knocker," Lana groaned. "Oh wait, yes I **can!"**

"Hey she got off easy," Pam spoke up. "Remember she had Krieger set fire to Trudy Beekman's apartment? After dumping two bodies in it?"

"How could I forget?" Cyril groaned. "I still see it in my nightmares."

"I wonder what she's going to do with that door knocker?" Krieger asked.

"Maybe give it to Ebenezer Scrooge?" Cheryl asked. "After Marley wrecked his old one."

"GOD DAMN YOU TRUDY BEEKMAN!" Mallory shouted. "I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT ME! NEXT TIME I BURN YOUR APARTMENT I'LL MAKE SURE YOU'RE STILL **IN IT!"**

"Mallory Archer makes Ebenezer Scrooge look like God damn Mary Sunshine," Ray shuddered.


End file.
